Expectations
By Chris Coray, The Unmuddled Mathematician
We returned this weekend from visiting my mother in
California. She is 98. For more than 30 years I have believed she will
outlive me and still the odds are good.
My sister, who is a living saint, has cared for her for the last 14
years in my mother’s own home and better or more loving care is not present on
this earth.
However, 98 is a number with consequences. Mom’s mind and body are mere shells of what
they once were. The level of care
required is very substantive. It really
takes 2 ½ people nearly full time to bring it all off. This process is a natural event but in thinking
about the exigencies of age a number of notions have become clear.
When we are little children our parents, besides nurturing
and loving us, also have high hopes and expectations for us. They teach us, support us financially and
physically, emphasize and provide for our education. They have expectations and hopes for
us. They want us to have even better
lives than they and will make almost any sacrifice to make it so. They want us (and expect) that we will grow
up healthy, be productive, hopefully bless them with grandchildren, and honor
the standards and values taught for so many years.
But what are expectations for a 98 year old who cannot take
care of herself? And only to a slightly
lesser degree, what are the expectations others have for a 72 year old who is
her son? The answer to the first
question is almost none. While we hope
for a peaceful, joyful life in her last years we do not expect it to be
always smooth.
Switching to yours truly,
I wonder if others still have expectations of me. I am genuinely grateful that the answer seems
to still be, “Yes”. My wife has the longest
and most deserved list. She expects me
to be kind, to continue to love her and provide, to be some kind of good
example for our children and grandchildren.
She also expects me to continue to take out the garbage. That was part of the wedding vows. She has a few others, as in keeping my hair
cut (what little there is), somehow matching my clothes when going to church
(and on this one I have continually failed), and a few more. I am blessed that my granddaughters still
expect me to make pancakes in the shapes of their choosing when we are
together. While it may not seem like a
big deal they also expect me to make homemade bread, jam, and syrup for them,
to be there on the sidelines or in the audience for their games and ballet
performances. These expectations of me
are more important to me than to them.
And
of course, they expect me to be there, literally or over the phone, when they
have questions about their math classes.
That one is the greatest but most unexpected one related to my
profession. However, that there are
still a few expectations of me is a joyous feeling. Besides supporting those I love dearly I am
happiest when I can be of service.
Aging makes usefulness a more difficult proposition, but I
will try to make it a continuing and important goal. The
battle against shrinking of my world is worth waging. There are people in my age cohort or senior
to me for whom I still have expectations and as they meet them they make me
better, happier, and more dedicated. A
few examples have names like Marie, Dorothy, Shirlene, Barbara (whose love and support of
her own mother is here admired), Kathee (like unto Barbara), Bob, Glenn, and
Sammy. There are many others.
With any luck and some effort there will be even some
unexpected new things down the road. Maybe I will become the Pickle Ball champion
of Rich County. Perhaps I will catch
more and bigger fish than Scott or drive a golf ball farther than Kam. If I work hard enough maybe my youngest
daughter will accompany me around the lake on a bike again. Maybe there will be a sudden explosive demand
for pot-gut kebab and I will corner the supply market, or a new menu item, Pot
Gut Curly Fries will appear at fast food restaurants. In any case the efforts themselves will be
worth it, so long as the work against a shrinking life continues, kindness
always prevails, and joyfully given service is expanded.
