Muddled Male

Grumpy Old Coot

 

Bob Stevens, The Muddled Male

            I have been sitting here staring at my computer for several hours hoping that Ann, my wife, would do or say something that I could, through the fine art of exaggeration and embellishment, turn into a humorous story for the Muddled Male column.  But she is being stubborn and has so far stayed clear of anything that I might distort to my advantage.  She did call me a Twit twice during a two minute disagreement over her trying to convince me that there were good Carb’s, like fruit that I should eat because fruit contains nourishment, and bad Carb’s, like my beloved French fries that I shouldn’t eat because French fries contain only grease and salt.  It was when I said that a Carb’ is a Carb’ is a Carb’ and was unwilling to give up my succulent French fries just for nourishment that she used the Twit word.  And for that reason I am repeating an updated version of a story I used in a Muddled Male column nearly five years ago.

I am rapidly approaching my 79th birthday.  That means that I will soon be working on my 80th year, an age usually associated with wisdom.  Keeping in mind that I have fifty-eight years of marriage contained within my more than seventy-eight years of life, I feel duty bound to share some of that wisdom with others, especially those young men who are thinking of getting married, or may have already taken the step. 

            Let me begin by teaching you the correct meaning of the word fret.  In your world a fret is one of those little lateral ridges that are located at precise intervals up and down the neck of the guitar played by your favorite heavy metal guitarist who presses the strings against one or more "frets" to make the out-of-tune shrieking sound he calls music go up or down as he screams spittle and naughty words into a thing called a microphone.  I apologize for the long sentence, but I am running out of space and don't have room for a bunch of short, declarative sentences.  A Fret in married life is actually a verb whose synonyms are telling words like worry, fuss, vex, trouble, bother, upset, or hassle.  It is a tool that will be used often by your wife to get you to do some chore you don't want to do because you would rather be watching football at that particular moment. 

            Now the Lesson.  Be alert to the "fret" because if you respond carelessly she might bring out her weapon of mass destruction; the nuclear freeze.  It is a weapon with such a sudden burst of negative energy that it has been known to turn a loving relationship into a Randolph winter in the twinkling of a husband's blunder.  Sadly, the only defensive weapon owned by the husband of a fretter, is the crotchety.  That is crotchety as in grumpy old coot.  The problem with the crotchety is that a crotchety, carelessly used, can be the thing that will instantly turn a fret into a nuclear freeze. 

            An example of the transition from fret to nuclear freeze was our discussion this evening regarding good Carb’s and bad Carb’s.  Ann was fretting about my eating habits.  I responded like a grumpy old coot.  And our Sunday evening meal became shards of tomato, raw turnips that I had to peal, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Desert included raspberries as a demonstration by Ann of, in her words, good Carb’ fruit.  See how quickly a good relationship can move from warm to cool. 

            You young men out there, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  By the way, Ann will say that the Sunday’s menu choice was mine but I ask you, has the Muddled Male ever fibbed to you?