Vanity
By Bob Stevens, The Muddled Male
In 1972, Carly Simon released a song
titled, You’re So Vain with
words in the chorus that said, “You’re so
vain, you probably think this song is about you, you’re so vain, I’ll bet you
think this song is about you. Don’t you?
Don’t you?” A song purportedly about a former boyfriend,
or boyfriends. She kept the secret of
who, with teasing hints for something like 38 years. Well, it has been my experience that men or
boys may subconsciously think they are hot stuff, but you couldn’t tell it from
the way they dress.
For example, men rarely worry about how
they look when they get dressed. If it
keeps us warm in the winter or cool in the summer, we don't worry much about
whether everything is coordinated. That
is why a husband doesn’t seem to understand when his wife asks, "Do you really think white gym socks and lime-green
athletic shoes go with that formal tuxedo?"
A woman, however, only feels secure when
she looks as though she just stepped out of a Neiman Marcus display
window. She really worries if she thinks
that someone might notice that she has worn the same attire before, or if
another woman in her social circle has the same article of clothing and there
is the slightest possibility that both might end up at the same event at the
same time and be wearing the same outfit.
A man, on the other hand, will wear the
same suit and tie for ten years. Twenty
if his wife doesn't notice that the cuffs are frayed. He only takes the suit to the cleaners when
he can no longer bend the legs over the pant suit hanger. And if he has two suits, they look so much
alike that you might not be able to tell them apart. It is not unusual to see a gaggle of men at
work looking like they are going to the same undertakers’ convention with
pencil, pens, and an oversized phone in the breast pocket, and bulging side
pockets from carrying an assortment of supplies that might be needed sometime. Imagine a woman’s purse, and you have seen
the side-pockets of a man’s suit.
The thing that started me thinking about
this subject was a tale my friend the Numbers Wonk told me about a recent cataract
surgery for which he served as chauffeur.
It caught my attention because another friend's wife had the same
experience. You go in having difficulty
seeing, it takes a few minutes for them to remove the cloudy lens and insert a
new plastic one, and out you come with the vision of a teenager.
After getting new vision a man will look
in the mirror and see right past the balding head, the wart on his nose, the two-day
beard, whiskers growing out of his ears, the paunch, and say, "I can see. It's a miracle. Give me my clubs, I'm going golfing."
A woman on the other hand will look in
the mirror, look right past the beauty and the clear vision, and say, "I
have wrinkles. I can never leave the house in daylight again."
That is why it is a good thing when a man
is part of the marriage. Otherwise, who
would be willing to leave the house to pick up the mail.
And now
on a personal note. I have been writing this
humble attempt at a humor column for more than nine years, a total of 291
stories. And I am tapped out of
ideas. So, I have decided to take a
sabbatical to allow me time to ponder and think, and gather a few new ideas. I may write a column from time to time, if an
idea hits me. And if the editor thinks
it is worth including and can find the room.
But it won’t be on a regular schedule.
It has been fun, and I thank you for your willingness to accept a little
of my idea of humor into your life. I
just hope that you have enjoyed it as much as I have. Oh, and Ann my wife wanted me to tell you
that I made all that stuff up about her.
Actually, she is a saint for letting me use her as my straight-wife.
ED Note: Bob Stevens has been one of our favorite columnists so we will miss his wit and charm, hopefully Ann will do more to stimulate his brain cells and he will write from time to time so we don't have too much withdrawal.
Bob Stevens
muddledmale@gmail.com
