Techno-Crisis
By Bob Stevens, The Muddled Male
It has been a difficult few months since
we moved off the hill and into town. For
one thing my good friend the Unmuddled Mathematician revealed to the RCTOnline world that I was
vertically challenged. Then my other
good friend, technology, turned on me. It
began with a phone. When we moved from
the mountain to the valley I switched from a satellite TV signal to one
provided by cable. Not only was the picture better, the same system provided
very high-speed internet plus a phone line that allowed us to make unlimited free
calls to any place in the US or Canada. Not
one to pass up a technological advance, I not only bit, I swallowed the hook.
Do you remember the 1968 movie 2001: Space Odyssey where a space
ship controlled by a computer named HAL was flying a small crew of astronauts
to the planet Jupiter? Part way there
the computer started making what seemed at first to be little mistakes. But as the mistakes progressed they became serious
enough to put crew members in jeopardy and the crew began to talk among
themselves about whether or not they should disable HAL and replace him with a
backup computer. When HAL overheard the
crew discussing the possibility of his replacement he began initiating actions
to do away with crew members one by one.
These past few weeks I started to feel that HAL was back and running amuck
through the electronics of Logan.
The instant our phone was connected to
the cable system we began getting calls dialed randomly by a remote computer whose
diabolical intent was to connect us to someone who wanted to sell us something. It became so bad for a while that the calls
were coming every 30-seconds late into the night. I finally called the cable company and
accused them of selling our telephone number on the open market, which they
denied. But they did tell me that they, “Had an App’, for that” which would
check to see if an incoming call was a “Robo” call and if it was it would not let
the call go through. The app’ did, I
admit, cut the calls down to only one every few days. But then I began getting similar calls on my
iPhone. One such call involved that now famous
scam where a caller told me that he was a Microsoft computer specialist who had
been monitoring my computer activity to make certain that my new Windows-10
operating system was working properly and in the process found that there was a
problem in my computer that they could fix if I would allow them to access my
computer remotely. Only a dummy would
believe that, right? Or maybe it only
required someone who had just replaced Windows-7 with Windows-10 and had been
complaining for days to Microsoft about the problems I was having. It is only a short jump from there to assuming
that the call was in response to my complaint and legitimate. My name is Bob but I will also answer to
Dummy.
But the most diabolical Techno-Crisis of
all has been our run-in with the self-checkout stand at Wal*Mart. I usually go through the self-checkout aisle
to avoid the lines that always seem to build up at the clerk operated checkout
stands. I step up to the machine, click
the start button, scan each item I am buying and place each in the sack sitting
on the scale, click the pay button, put in my debit card and indicate whether
or not I want cash back. Pretty simple
….. except when Ann, my wife, and I try to do the check out together. I am guessing that the checkout computer is
programmed in a way that because the computer knows what the item is from the
scan, and also knows the weight that each item represents, it does a check to
make certain that the item you just scanned and the weight you just placed on
the scale match. Simple, right?
Except that Ann and I think differently
with regard to the arrangement on the scale. When I run an item through the scanner I place
the item on the scale in a geometric pattern that will let me get all the items
onto the scale without any overflow. But
Ann wants the items in various bags according to whether they are frozen, unfrozen
but need to stay cool, are cans or eggs, or are kitchen chemicals that
shouldn’t be mixed with food. If Ann
takes the item from my hand and pauses with it in her hand trying to decide
into which bag it should be placed, the computer stops the process and then
announces in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, “Please place Item in bagging area.”
If we don’t move fast enough the computer calls the guard to let him or
her know that those two old people over there at machine number 3 don’t know
what they are doing. Worse are those
times that I have placed the item on the scale and the computer has checked
it. Then Ann decides it needs to go in a
different bag and lifts it off the scale to move it to its new location so that
when she sets it back down the computer now says, “Unknown item in bagging area” and won’t let us proceed until the
guard comes over to run a get-out-of-jail-free card through the machine. A card kept there specifically for old people
who don’t know what they are doing.
It is rather embarrassing to get
everything fixed and bagged only to turn around to see that everyone in the
store has been watching our checkout like it was a Bud Abbot and Lou Costello
routine. The only thing that keeps me
going is knowing that being vertically challenged means that I can still get on
the kids rides at Lagoon, but I can also get on the roller coaster If I stand
on my tip toes.
Dave Cook Box 156 Garden City