Hearing Things
By Bob Stevens, The Muddled Male
You may remember that early in my career
of writing the Muddled Male column I asked the rhetorical question, “Has any other husband besides me noticed
that as you get older your wife speaks more softly?” And then I mentioned that when Ann, my wife,
and I were first married she would say things like, “PLEASE PASS THE SALT” and say it crisply and at a volume
sufficient to be heard above any distraction.
Of course Ann claimed that I heard every word then because we were newly
married and I was still listening. But now
that I am older and less attentive I notice that she is more likely to say
things like, “pzlf tig zllfgt.” When
I respond with, “Huh,” she increases
the volume only slightly and when she repeats herself it sounds something like,
“Place putt the mutt.”
Even an inattentive husband knows that a statement like that doesn’t
make sense and won’t be what she is going to claim she said during our ensuing
argument. So I normally just respond
with, “Mmmm,” which doesn’t mean
anything but leaves her thinking that I was listening and heard, but need time
to ponder an appropriate response.
Because Ann believes that I am in need of
hearing aids she does speak a little louder now, but it doesn’t seem to have
improved my ability to hear her, which is what I think her intention is in the
first place. And here is why I think
that proving me deaf is her plan. Ann
will say, “BOB.” Of course I hear
that clearly because she says it with the same volume and crispness that she
used when she said, “PLEASE PASS THE SALT,” early in our marriage. And so I respond in my usual loving, obedient
manner, “Yes, my love? My purpose in life is to do what you ask.” And then she turns and walks to the other end
of the house, through our bedroom, through the master bath, and into our
walk-in closet where she stands between two heavy pieces of hanging clothing and
says, “pzlf tig zllfgt.” And I say, “Huh.” And she comes out
into the room where I am standing and says, “YOU NEED HEARING AIDS.”
Since I seemed to be losing the argument
anyway, I finally gave in this past week and decided to arrange for a hearing
test just to prove that our communication problem is not my hearing, it is her
speaking. And so I checked with my
friend Erv who gave me the name of his favorite Audiologist, and I went. We arrived at the appropriate time and the
attentive receptionist ushered us to the “testing room” which contained a chair
for Ann who came to make certain that the Audiologist came up with the answer
she wanted to hear, a chair and control panel for the Audiologist, and an
enclosed cubical for me. The cubical was
lined with black acoustic material that was used primarily to keep me from
hearing Ann as she told the pleasant young man conducting the test what to
write on my final report. The test
conductor fitted me with a set of earphones, handed me a button to push each
time I heard a tone, closed the door of the cubicle, sat at the control
console, and began the test. Once the
test was completed he sent us to his office to wait until he finished plotting
the test results onto a nice graph which he felt would be needed to help
explain the test results to an engineer.
I knew that something was up when he
came into his office, walked over to my side, cupped his hands around his mouth
like a megaphone, and yelled directly into my ear, “YOU NEED HEARING AIDS.” And then he showed me the results. The test was done with tones played at different
volumes from the low-to-high frequencies of 250, 500 1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000,
6,000, and 8,000 hertz (also known as cycles/second). The only part of the test where my hearing
fell in the Normal Hearing, No
Amplification Necessary range were the 250 and 500 hertz low-tone levels,
which might explain why I can sing bass but not soprano. The only part of my hearing that fell in the Mild Hearing Loss, Amplification
Necessary for Speech Understanding range was 1,000 hertz. The rest of my hearing fell in ranges that
were expected to cause Moderate
Personality Change or feelings of Moderately
Severe or Severe Isolation. The
highest frequency range of 8,000 hertz was barely above the Profound Hearing Loss range,
which meant that for me to hear that frequency would require the volume to be
cranked up to a level equivalent to a running power mower.
I expected Ann to show me some sympathy,
but instead she just did the fist-pump gesture used by athletes to signify a
win, and then yelled, “YES,” which I heard even without
hearing aids. Now all I have left is to
decide between the hearing aids that are expensive, really expensive, or available
only to the filthy rich. If you wish to
speak to me during the interim you will need to make certain that your hands
are cupped around your mouth like a megaphone and then yell, “PLEASE
PASS THE SALT” directly into my ear.
Either that or speak in tones between the range of 250 and 500
Hertz. And if you hear muttering it will
be me saying, “Yes Ann, you are right …. I am deaf.
