The Muddled Male

Hearing Things

By Bob Stevens, The Muddled Male

        You may remember that early in my career of writing the Muddled Male column I asked the rhetorical question, “Has any other husband besides me noticed that as you get older your wife speaks more softly?”  And then I mentioned that when Ann, my wife, and I were first married she would say things like, “PLEASE PASS THE SALT” and say it crisply and at a volume sufficient to be heard above any distraction.  Of course Ann claimed that I heard every word then because we were newly married and I was still listening.  But now that I am older and less attentive I notice that she is more likely to say things like, “pzlf tig zllfgt.”  When I respond with, “Huh,” she increases the volume only slightly and when she repeats herself it sounds something like, “Place putt the mutt.”  Even an inattentive husband knows that a statement like that doesn’t make sense and won’t be what she is going to claim she said during our ensuing argument.  So I normally just respond with, “Mmmm,” which doesn’t mean anything but leaves her thinking that I was listening and heard, but need time to ponder an appropriate response.

        Because Ann believes that I am in need of hearing aids she does speak a little louder now, but it doesn’t seem to have improved my ability to hear her, which is what I think her intention is in the first place.  And here is why I think that proving me deaf is her plan.  Ann will say, “BOB.”  Of course I hear that clearly because she says it with the same volume and crispness that she used when she said, “PLEASE PASS THE SALT,” early in our marriage.  And so I respond in my usual loving, obedient manner, “Yes, my love?  My purpose in life is to do what you ask.”  And then she turns and walks to the other end of the house, through our bedroom, through the master bath, and into our walk-in closet where she stands between two heavy pieces of hanging clothing and says, “pzlf tig zllfgt.”  And I say, “Huh.”  And she comes out into the room where I am standing and says, “YOU NEED HEARING AIDS.”

        Since I seemed to be losing the argument anyway, I finally gave in this past week and decided to arrange for a hearing test just to prove that our communication problem is not my hearing, it is her speaking.  And so I checked with my friend Erv who gave me the name of his favorite Audiologist, and I went.  We arrived at the appropriate time and the attentive receptionist ushered us to the “testing room” which contained a chair for Ann who came to make certain that the Audiologist came up with the answer she wanted to hear, a chair and control panel for the Audiologist, and an enclosed cubical for me.  The cubical was lined with black acoustic material that was used primarily to keep me from hearing Ann as she told the pleasant young man conducting the test what to write on my final report.  The test conductor fitted me with a set of earphones, handed me a button to push each time I heard a tone, closed the door of the cubicle, sat at the control console, and began the test.  Once the test was completed he sent us to his office to wait until he finished plotting the test results onto a nice graph which he felt would be needed to help explain the test results to an engineer.

        I knew that something was up when he came into his office, walked over to my side, cupped his hands around his mouth like a megaphone, and yelled directly into my ear, “YOU NEED HEARING AIDS.”  And then he showed me the results.  The test was done with tones played at different volumes from the low-to-high frequencies of 250, 500 1,000, 2,000, 3,000, 4,000, 6,000, and 8,000 hertz (also known as cycles/second).  The only part of the test where my hearing fell in the Normal Hearing, No Amplification Necessary range were the 250 and 500 hertz low-tone levels, which might explain why I can sing bass but not soprano.  The only part of my hearing that fell in the Mild Hearing Loss, Amplification Necessary for Speech Understanding range was 1,000 hertz.  The rest of my hearing fell in ranges that were expected to cause Moderate Personality Change or feelings of Moderately Severe or Severe Isolation.  The highest frequency range of 8,000 hertz was barely above the Profound Hearing Loss range, which meant that for me to hear that frequency would require the volume to be cranked up to a level equivalent to a running power mower.

        I expected Ann to show me some sympathy, but instead she just did the fist-pump gesture used by athletes to signify a win, and then yelled, “YES,” which I heard even without hearing aids.  Now all I have left is to decide between the hearing aids that are expensive, really expensive, or available only to the filthy rich.  If you wish to speak to me during the interim you will need to make certain that your hands are cupped around your mouth like a megaphone and then yell, “PLEASE PASS THE SALT” directly into my ear.  Either that or speak in tones between the range of 250 and 500 Hertz.  And if you hear muttering it will be me saying, “Yes Ann, you are right …. I am deaf.