By Bob Stevens, The Muddled Male
I’m afraid that your friend the
Muddled Male is in a peck of trouble.
You will remember that in our last visit I offered myself for
adoption. Well, we only received one
offer, and that was from our friend Darin, who felt sorry for me and said that he
was willing to adopt me on a trial basis.
But, he emphasized, he would do so only if he could return me after
three months if he felt that he could no longer stand it. Well Ann, my wife, heard the first part,
packed me and my iPhone in the car, and started down the hill to drop me off. When Darin called back to reaffirm the second
part of the agreement, Ann refused to provide a money back guarantee and the
deal fell through. Now I am in limbo
with Ann still feeling the euphoria of my near adoption, and me with no place
to go. I would offer myself for adoption
again, but I am afraid that I am now damaged goods because of my visit to the
Dermatologist.
We lived for fifty years in the Seattle area. Sunshine was scarce, or filtered, and there
was little concern about sunburn or skin cancer. Then we moved to the rarified atmosphere here
on Sweetwater Hill where the sun is constant, burns are frequent, and I don’t
like to wear a hat. Which explains the
two faint spots that appeared on the side of my nose after living here a few
years. Those who know me would say that
my nose is the most prominent feature on my face. Ann would say that it is the most prominent
feature on Sweetwater Hill. Either way,
if my nose had to be removed it would be a noticeable change to the contour of
my face. Thus the reason for my visit to
the Dermatologist who decided that both spots, along with some on my ears and
my face were pre-cancerous and needed a magic application of Liquid
Nitrogen. Which explains the now dark, frost
bite spots on my ears, nose, and face.
When I began lamenting, “Why me,” Ann told me that it was
all my own fault since I wouldn’t wear a hat and because every time I write a
Muddled Male column my nose grows longer and longer until it is now poking out underneath
my furrowed brow and way out into the bright sunlight. But my real worry was that if the liquid
Nitrogen didn’t work, my nose might fall off.
Ann said that if it does, try not to leave it lying on the pillow next
to her. “But,” she said, “If you have
to leave it lying there while you go to emergency, please use a clothes pin to pinch
the end closed so that at least I don’t have to listen to it snore.”
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