Bob's Evil Twin

Chris, the Evil Twin &
 Bobbie, his wife

Sleeping With The Tomatoes

By Chris Coray, The Evil Twin

The Lone Ranger had Tonto, the Cisco Kid had Pancho, Batman had Robin, and the Muddled Male has me.  To give him a week’s rest from his column this week his worthless sidekick submits this short account, titled, “Sleeping with the Tomatoes”. 

In our family I am the gardener.  I buy the plants, prepare the garden, plant the stuff, and take care of it all summer.  My wife of 47 years watches.  We have two planting areas, one on the deck where we grow salad vegetables like lettuce, a couple of tomato plants, cucumbers, and spices.  They’re on the deck because out in the bigger garden on the ground the potguts eat all the young small plants.  In the fenced outer garden go the bigger tomatoes, onions, and squash.

This year was a banner year for tomatoes, the best we’ve had at Bear Lake.  It did not freeze in June and has not, as of October 3, frozen yet (it is not looking good for tonight).  But the stand aside gardener watcher waits until fall to pounce.  About 5 weeks ago she began asking me if we needed to cover the tomatoes at night.  So from that time I have been required to give a weather report before I am allowed to go to bed.   This is stressful and is complicated by science.  Bobbie thinks that a towel or a hankie is all that’s needed.  She believes that careful covering will keep the plants alive until the Cisco Disco.  So we have a variety of items in place to cover plants each night and remove in the morning.

The science complication comes from a device in the bedroom.  It projects onto the ceiling, in red light that is not visible in daylight, alternately the time of night and 5 seconds later the outside temperature sent from a remote sensor.  Every 5 seconds it switches.  So while she is soundly sleeping and I am trying to get asleep I am watching out of at least one eye the 5 second blinking weather report on the ceiling.  If it is 39 degrees at 11 p.m. will it fall to freezing by sunrise?  I don’t know the answer but my sleeping pattern now consists of 5 second naps, followed by a stare at the evil red ceiling number, an analysis of time versus temperature, then another 5 second nap.  This is not restful.  I find myself in daylight social occasions taking multiple 5 second naps at times not approved by the boss.   I am full of murderous intent toward the tomatoes.

  

As I write this it is snowing.  Pretty hard.  Maybe this will be the end of the agony for this year.  If it’s over at dawn so be it.  I will not be sad.  My only real concern is that she will want be to do tonight what the organized crime bosses arranged, namely that I “go sleep with the fishes”.  Change the last word, add a little lettuce, and I’ll be able to eat  salad all night long.  A cold salad.