The Unmuddled Mathematician

Never Trust a Mathematician

By Chris Coray, The Unmuddled Mathematician

Well, you can’t say you haven’t been warned.  We are not to be trusted.  On the positive side you probably don’t know too many of us so that is in your favor.  On the down side, the NSA (yeah, those guys) hire a lot of people.  And what kind of people do they hire?  Mathematicians.  We are taking over.  Do not bother to adjust your IPhone, computer, whatever.  We are coming for you and some of us are practical jokers.  It’s a revenge of the nerds kind of thing.

For example, in my prime (assuming I ever had a prime and by the way speaking of prime, my age is now prime) I used to own a big river raft and would take week long trips with friends down many of the major whitewater rivers in the west.  I rowed the rapids rather than going on guided tours.  It took considerable time getting the equipment ready and organizing the trips.  The hardest part was always getting a permit.  The forest service and BLM don’t just hand these out, they were awarded each year by lottery and then only to those who had adequate qualifications and experience.   One year we wanted to float the Green River through Hell’s Half Mile and the Gates of Ladore.  These were named by John Wesley Powell after he made the first trip.  We figured that with our 3 rafts we could handle about 12 people.  So we turned our permit in, being careful with each question and provided the name of each member of our group.  Then we waited and what do you know, we lucked out, won the big lottery and got a permit.  That’s when the fun began. 

After a week of deeper planning for the trip, arranging our schedules, getting drivers to shuttle our vehicles, one of my companions and I decided to play a practical joke on the owner of the third raft and in fact was the person whose name appeared as the actual permit holder.  He is a wonderful guy, but a little bit dyslexic.  Anyway, we manufactured a piece of paper with the header of the forest service (remember, we had an actual permit) and sent him a letter on that letterhead that read as follows (italics provided):

Dear Mr. Bullen,

We have recently reviewed your application for a float trip down the Green River, and for which you were apparently successful.  However, after further careful review, we have learned that one of the names on your list of persons also appears on a second, independent application made by another group.  As you know, a person may apply on only one application.  As a consequence of this action we hereby notify you that your permit has been revoked and further, you and all named persons on the application are forbidden from application for further trips on rivers controlled by us for a period of 5 years.

Should you wish to appeal our decision you may do so by contacting our office at 435 753 3198 or write to us directly at Chris Coray, 1473 N. 1525 E., Logan, Utah.  We regret the necessity of our action but must strictly enforce the department’s guidelines.

Sincerely,

Wimbledon Quigley, US Forest Service

We knew that Bill Bullen was excitable so we sat back and waited.  Bill, affectionately known as “The Hummer”, got our bogus letter.  He read the first paragraph and mentally checked out after that.  He was immediately on the phone to me, almost speechless with disappointment and frustration, as he told me that we were canceled and had a 5 year wait ahead.  I asked him to read the letter over the phone.  He did, but could not get past the first paragraph without stopping.  I asked, “Is there anything more in the letter?”  He said yes, but it was just something about an appeal.  He was really down.  So I kept pushing, asking him to please read that part aloud.  After a while he settled down enough to do so, and read until he got to my name.  Then silence.  Then there followed a string of fairly harsh profanity about my ancestry, my lack of character, and a bunch of other stuff.  I was laughing so hard it’s hard to remember all that was said but it about a week he had settled down.

We had a great trip.  But don’t trust a mathematician.  I have done this kind of thing before and may not be done.