The Unmuddled Mathematician

Entertained by Schizophrenic Nuts as a Youth

By Chris Coray, The Unmuddled Mathematician

Upon reflection of my youth, which is pretty much what an old guy like me does these days, I have reached some conclusions that don’t square well with what should be at least a consistent and cogent description of the entertainment of those days.  Sure, we have to make allowances for the bad technology which has caused in my advanced years a severe ulnar nerve issue.  That problem comes directly from having to stand perpetually next to the television and hold onto one of the rabbit ear antennas with my hand so the picture looked more like a light snowfall than a Montana blizzard.  Mostly we imagined the TV pictures as much as we actually saw them. But there are other issues.

Take the Lone Ranger for example.  First, he wasn’t alone as he had the dumbest Native American ever born as his perpetual sidekick, and whom he apparently took care of forever.  Tonto got the Lone Ranger in more difficulty in almost every episode by being stupid than any criminals ever did.  But the Lone Ranger wasn’t just the prisoner of a bad partner.  Why on earth would a guy ride around the entire western United States in a nearly white suit wearing a mask?  From whom was he trying to hide?  Can you imagine the actual dirt and sweat that would have accumulated on that clothing, let alone in issues with breathing and seeing?  Clearly the Lone Ranger had severe personal psychological problems besides those with Tonto.  Remember, this nutcake shot silver bullets.  Was he made of money?  Why not gold bullets?  Did anybody ever do a postmortem on one of his victims and return the silver to the Lone Ranger?  Further, the melting point of lead is 621 degrees F.  The melting point of silver is 1763 F.  This chucklehead would have needed a blast furnace to make his bullets.  Did he carry the heating equipment in his saddlebags?  Maybe he thought he would encounter a vampire.  His horse, Silver, should have dumped him into the Grand Canyon or stomped him.

Can you imagine my surprise when an expensive movie was recently made reprising the great pair.  They had to go further than the TV show so Tonto apparently rode around wearing an upright but large dead bird on his head.  Did someone say Cuckoo’s nest?

Then consider Superman.  Again, he was another guy with psychological problems who needed an entire alter ego identity for some reason.  Why?  But he did have well slicked down hair so that while he flew faster than a speeding bullet or leaped tall buildings in a single bound (not an Olympic event), never was a hair on his head out of place.  I don’t know if Brylcreem was a sponsor for the program but they missed a real bet if they weren’t.  And from my perspective he could almost never be brave.  You have to be afraid in order to be brave.  Other than the very rare episodes with Kryptonite what reason would Superman have to be afraid, therefore allowing him to be brave.  And why the cape?  The cape causes aerodynamic drag, slowing down our beloved man of steel.   These shows were not in color, either, so that could not have been the reason.

There are many more examples of strange characters in early TV.  Was Gene Autry going to bop you on the head with his guitar or just sing until you killed yourself to get away?  And did you ever see the case in which he carried that guitar?  Where would it fit on the horse? 

Hopalong Cassidy carried so many bullets that the L5-S1 vertebra in his back had to be destroyed.  Once I tried to wear a hat like the one worn by the Cisco Kid.  It gave me a headache in 30 seconds that it took a day to get over.  Batman?  The Green Hornet?  You can’t make this stuff up.  Well, yes, I guess you can.  And it is still possible to get the same level of absurdity on TV today.  Try CNN, Fox, or MSNBC.