Two Fairs, Two Completely Different Worlds
By Chris Coray, The Unmuddled Mathematician
We went to the Rich County Fair Thursday in Randolph and watched a portion of the fair where delightful young people exhibited showmanship as they displayed their animals.
In fact the contest was about how well the animals were shown, not the quality of the animals themselves. The whole event was honest, clean, without guile, and delightful. Especially the little girl with the binky, her control stick, and her pig.
I write this to begin a study in contrast of a fair in Iowa held at the same time, where the showmanship and animals had none of the attributes above. You can decide for yourself the answer to the difficult question which of the media or candidates in Iowa were the animals and which were showing off. What follows is a synopsis of the Iowa fair this past week.
Presidential Candidate #1 (PC1): “Gee, it’s wonderful to here in Iowa. I love pigs. And the deep fried hot dogs that come from them.”
Media Person #1 (MP1): “Your polls show your support at 1.2% here in Iowa. What are your plans to change that number?”
PC1: “Polls at this stage mean nothing. I mean with 17 candidates running the average poll number has to be 5.88%. I didn’t compute that number by myself, my local staff of 63 did it for me. What’s important is that I have kissed pigs in each of the 99 counties here in Iowa. Some have been a little on the ugly side. And smelly. Probably good bacon, though. There are a lot of pigs in this state. But I do love Ethanol.”
MP2, speaking to another candidate: “It seems like the crowd here is mostly candidates and media, as opposed to Iowans. But let’s turn to an actual issue. What are your specific plans to address the huge federal entitlement budget issue, for example, Social Security?”
PC2: “Thank you for asking. It is a very important, in fact vital issue. And so, specifically, I---“
MP2: “We’ll have to leave it there as we have some breaking news here at the fairgrounds. Over to you, MP3.”
MP3: “Thanks, MP2. Some day I’ll learn your name. But not while I am on camera. We are here with the leader in the polls, PC3. How are you enjoying the fair?”
PC3: “I love the fair. I love all people, especially me. Did you see my helicopter? I brought it so I could offer rides to kids here at the fair. As you know, I am very rich. All the other candidates are losers. Idiots. Down the tubes. We can be great again.”
MP3: “How do you plan to make that happen?”
PC3: “You’re a loser, done for, finished. I don’t answer questions from losers. Only winners, like me.”
MP4: “When the Iowa caucus is finished, will you ever return here?”
PC3: “You look a lot like the pig I kissed in that county down in the southern part of the state. Well almost that good. That pig is also undoubtedly smarter than you. Probably better educated. And you can be sure that after the caucus I will never bring my fancy Italian shoes to this backwater dive. Build a fence. Close the border. Make Iowans pay for it. Stop the loss of good American jobs into Iowa. (Someone whispers in his ear). Is that true, I mean can Iowans actually vote? Who reads the ballot for them? Have you noticed my big lead in the polls? Everybody else is a loser. PC2 is so washed up he thinks that people love their children. I love women.”
MP4: “Well, there you have it, a definitive interview with PC3, the leader in the national primary polls. I want to say that I did put lipstick on this morning, so the pig reference hurt. I’m sorry my mascara is running. And my middle name is not Oink. But PC3 is certainly …….
Presidential Candidate #1 (PC1): “Gee, it’s wonderful to here in Iowa. I love pigs. And the deep fried hot dogs that come from them.”
Media Person #1 (MP1): “Your polls show your support at 1.2% here in Iowa. What are your plans to change that number?”
PC1: “Polls at this stage mean nothing. I mean with 17 candidates running the average poll number has to be 5.88%. I didn’t compute that number by myself, my local staff of 63 did it for me. What’s important is that I have kissed pigs in each of the 99 counties here in Iowa. Some have been a little on the ugly side. And smelly. Probably good bacon, though. There are a lot of pigs in this state. But I do love Ethanol.”
MP2, speaking to another candidate: “It seems like the crowd here is mostly candidates and media, as opposed to Iowans. But let’s turn to an actual issue. What are your specific plans to address the huge federal entitlement budget issue, for example, Social Security?”
PC2: “Thank you for asking. It is a very important, in fact vital issue. And so, specifically, I---“
MP2: “We’ll have to leave it there as we have some breaking news here at the fairgrounds. Over to you, MP3.”
MP3: “Thanks, MP2. Some day I’ll learn your name. But not while I am on camera. We are here with the leader in the polls, PC3. How are you enjoying the fair?”
PC3: “I love the fair. I love all people, especially me. Did you see my helicopter? I brought it so I could offer rides to kids here at the fair. As you know, I am very rich. All the other candidates are losers. Idiots. Down the tubes. We can be great again.”
MP3: “How do you plan to make that happen?”
PC3: “You’re a loser, done for, finished. I don’t answer questions from losers. Only winners, like me.”
MP4: “When the Iowa caucus is finished, will you ever return here?”
PC3: “You look a lot like the pig I kissed in that county down in the southern part of the state. Well almost that good. That pig is also undoubtedly smarter than you. Probably better educated. And you can be sure that after the caucus I will never bring my fancy Italian shoes to this backwater dive. Build a fence. Close the border. Make Iowans pay for it. Stop the loss of good American jobs into Iowa. (Someone whispers in his ear). Is that true, I mean can Iowans actually vote? Who reads the ballot for them? Have you noticed my big lead in the polls? Everybody else is a loser. PC2 is so washed up he thinks that people love their children. I love women.”
MP4: “Well, there you have it, a definitive interview with PC3, the leader in the national primary polls. I want to say that I did put lipstick on this morning, so the pig reference hurt. I’m sorry my mascara is running. And my middle name is not Oink. But PC3 is certainly …….
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