By Bob Stevens, The Muddled Male
Ann, my wife, worries that I don’t get enough exercise. I, on the other hand, feel that I am probably getting too much since I drop off to sleep as soon as I sit down to watch the news. In my defense I have developed a very disciplined exercise regimen designed to keep me physically and mentally sharp. If you have ever seen Ann and I grocery shopping, you have witnessed “Bob at exercise".
I call my routine the Aerobic Shuffle. It only requires two specialized pieces of exercise equipment. The first is a shopping cart, usually furnished by the grocery store at no charge. The other is an iPhone preloaded with mind stretching games of your choice. The iPhone is, of course, a little more expensive than a free grocery cart, but justifying one to your wife is the first step in exercising your mind. If you can convince her that you really, really need an iPhone then your mind may already be sharp enough to allow you to focus mainly on the shuffle.
The shuffle requires the subject to hold the iPhone in the right hand while leaning on the shopping cart handle with the left elbow. You may need to occasionally grasp the cart handle firmly with the hand to facilitate steering while attempting to maneuver around the potato chips or some other display at the end of the aisle. Next you shuffle sideways with the left foot in the lead while playing your favorite game on the iPhone with your right thumb.
Leaning to the left stretches the abdominal muscles, shuffling strengthens your calf muscles, and sliding your thumb around on the iPhone screen strengthens your grip. Doing the whole thing while trying not to drop your iPhone makes your heart race and speeds up your breathing, thus providing the aerobic part.
I am convinced that even Ann notices the resulting improvement in my overall health. I say that because she seems to have loosened up a little on the dietary restrictions she normally uses to control me. The other day she said as much when she hollered over her shoulder on her way out the door to go visit a friend, “Bob, I left your lunch on the counter.” Well, I’m always ready for lunch and so I dutifully went to the fridge to get my health beverage, strawberry flavored milk. I choose strawberry flavored milk since milk gives me Calcium for my bones and, because strawberries are fruit, I am claiming that strawberry flavor gives me antioxidants to protect my cells from oxidation.
When I moved over to eat my lunch I thought I had died and gone to heaven. There on a napkin was a small portion of Fiddle Faddle™. Oh there were also several sugar peas to remind me to eat healthy, but the Fiddle Faddle was the main course. To top it off I found Nature Valley™ granola bars called Sweet & Spicy in the pantry for desert. And to satisfy every boy’s dream, a box of Berry Berry Kix™ in case I needed a little breakfast cereal to round out my lunch.
And then I realized that she had given me the Fiddle Faddle only because she wanted to empty the box so she could put it in the recycle bin. She left me the Sweet & Spicy bars because the dark chocolate into which each has been dipped is sometimes claimed to be healthy, and the cayenne pepper only adds zing. And she left me Kix only because General Mills is using vegetable and fruit coloring in place of food dyes such as blue #1, red #40, yellow #5, and yellow #6.
I have not only been tricked, I have been used. To get back I plan to go out and buy another box of Fiddle Faddle and keep it in my office to eat when she’s not looking.
Ann, my wife, worries that I don’t get enough exercise. I, on the other hand, feel that I am probably getting too much since I drop off to sleep as soon as I sit down to watch the news. In my defense I have developed a very disciplined exercise regimen designed to keep me physically and mentally sharp. If you have ever seen Ann and I grocery shopping, you have witnessed “Bob at exercise".
I call my routine the Aerobic Shuffle. It only requires two specialized pieces of exercise equipment. The first is a shopping cart, usually furnished by the grocery store at no charge. The other is an iPhone preloaded with mind stretching games of your choice. The iPhone is, of course, a little more expensive than a free grocery cart, but justifying one to your wife is the first step in exercising your mind. If you can convince her that you really, really need an iPhone then your mind may already be sharp enough to allow you to focus mainly on the shuffle.
The shuffle requires the subject to hold the iPhone in the right hand while leaning on the shopping cart handle with the left elbow. You may need to occasionally grasp the cart handle firmly with the hand to facilitate steering while attempting to maneuver around the potato chips or some other display at the end of the aisle. Next you shuffle sideways with the left foot in the lead while playing your favorite game on the iPhone with your right thumb.
Leaning to the left stretches the abdominal muscles, shuffling strengthens your calf muscles, and sliding your thumb around on the iPhone screen strengthens your grip. Doing the whole thing while trying not to drop your iPhone makes your heart race and speeds up your breathing, thus providing the aerobic part.
I am convinced that even Ann notices the resulting improvement in my overall health. I say that because she seems to have loosened up a little on the dietary restrictions she normally uses to control me. The other day she said as much when she hollered over her shoulder on her way out the door to go visit a friend, “Bob, I left your lunch on the counter.” Well, I’m always ready for lunch and so I dutifully went to the fridge to get my health beverage, strawberry flavored milk. I choose strawberry flavored milk since milk gives me Calcium for my bones and, because strawberries are fruit, I am claiming that strawberry flavor gives me antioxidants to protect my cells from oxidation.
When I moved over to eat my lunch I thought I had died and gone to heaven. There on a napkin was a small portion of Fiddle Faddle™. Oh there were also several sugar peas to remind me to eat healthy, but the Fiddle Faddle was the main course. To top it off I found Nature Valley™ granola bars called Sweet & Spicy in the pantry for desert. And to satisfy every boy’s dream, a box of Berry Berry Kix™ in case I needed a little breakfast cereal to round out my lunch.
And then I realized that she had given me the Fiddle Faddle only because she wanted to empty the box so she could put it in the recycle bin. She left me the Sweet & Spicy bars because the dark chocolate into which each has been dipped is sometimes claimed to be healthy, and the cayenne pepper only adds zing. And she left me Kix only because General Mills is using vegetable and fruit coloring in place of food dyes such as blue #1, red #40, yellow #5, and yellow #6.
I have not only been tricked, I have been used. To get back I plan to go out and buy another box of Fiddle Faddle and keep it in my office to eat when she’s not looking.
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