The Unmuddled Mathematician

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

By Chris Coray, the Unmuddled Mathematician

The U.S. Constitution bans, in black letter words, “cruel and unusual punishment”.  We are in

Mexico, enjoying the sun, the sea, the warmth, and the food.  But there is no U.S. Constitution, which bears on the latter part of this article.  It has been pretty much fantastic.  Our phone service to the U.S. is free and if we had our granddaughters with us there would be nothing to wish for at all.

But there is a little price that has to be paid, and it falls under the “cruel and unusual punishment” category as we enter the country.  Sometimes the airport crowds can be horrendous, with lines of more than 100 people trying to clear immigration.  For us this time there were no lines whatsoever.  Zero.  But after clearing immigration and customs at the airport one comes to a shaded glass sliding door.  You cannot see what is on the other side.  It is not the Wizard of Oz. Veterans of this travel know what awaits, however. 

When you eventually walk through the opening the only thing I think of is what a road killed rabbit must feel (if it can still feel), as the waiting magpies, i.e., timeshare salesmen, descend on us.  The truth is not in them in any fashion.  They promise anything if only you will listen to them and accept their “invitation”.  Given the economy down here the going rate is $400 U.S.  Defensive backs in the NFL are no more adept at blocking progress toward freedom, which in this case means getting out of the airport.  But being veterans of this process we had a long term plan and I’ll be darned if it didn’t work.

We said OK to one of the sellers and went to the “presentation” a couple of days later.  But instead of being passive resisters of their sales pitch, I began to tell the salesman what I did for a living.  In detail.  In advanced terms.   And I would not stop.  This guy had to listen to me talking about really, really, advanced mathematics, with no pauses.  His eyes began to glaze over.  I never let him up.  Pretty soon my wife began to feel sorry for a timeshare salesman (can you believe that?) as I pounded him with theory he had no chance of understanding.  He began to shrink in his chair, his fancy pen and presentation charts spread like worthless confetti in front of him as I just kept at him.  Here is an oxymoron.  Is it possible to kill a timeshare salesman by just talking to him?  The answer is yes.  Eventually Bobbie could tell that if I stopped what I was doing the guy would cheerfully, gleefully, gratefully let us go.  And so it was.

I realized what it must have been like for many of my students as I pounded them each class with more and harder material.  Belatedly, I feel a little sorry for the students, but not for the timeshare guy. 

Two other side notes.  There are no billboards with the words “Wanted” and a picture of El Chapo on them.  Many Mexicans think he is a good guy, sort of like Robin Hood, the dwarf version.  But there are a couple of billboards that if you look at the picture just right, with a little solar glare present, you can actually see some resemblance to the Muddled Male.  These aren’t wanted posters, they just highlight the good life available to willing gringos if they come to Mexico.  The other note is that while El Chapo does not face a death sentence, as part of his penalty he does have to endure a timeshare presentation every morning in which they show him another cell that could be his for a little down and an annual maintenance fee.  I’d rather be shot.  His program is under the “All Inclusive” brand.