Reflections on the Journey

By Leslie Scott
Ed Note:  Introducing a new columnist for RCTonline.  Leslie struggles with brain chemistry issues and is sharing her amazing journey as a wonderful wife, mother, friend and colleague.

I have been on medication for anxiety and depression since Carter was born. For a full decade I relied upon those tiny pills to help me get through every day.

When I decided to come off my medication, it took a full year! I was tired of relying on pills to make me happy. I felt like my kids were old enough that I could maybe cope with the everyday problems that came my way. It was so freeing!!!! I loved the way I felt. And not long after taking my last pill, Ryan told me that he was seeing the old me. That he hadn’t seen me smile like that for the last ten years. And for six months, I felt like the girl I used to be! She was still here! It was glorious! I was so happy all the time.

I miss that girl now! I know that she still exists. Buried under the pill that numbs my brain so I can function is the girl I truly am. And that gives me comfort.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, “Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best--better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than His.”

The thought that I may be on medication for the rest of my life is a tad disheartening. Don’t get me wrong, I am SO grateful for it. I have come such a long way because of it. But I long for the real me. I long to be truly happy. I want to feel every emotion deep in my bones. With every fiber of my being. But the medication keeps me stable. No high highs, and no low lows.

I take comfort in the fact that I am still me, deep down. And I may not get to be her again until after this life is over. But I will get to be her again someday!! And when eternity comes, and Ryan and I are together forever, he will see me the way I wish to be. Happy, full of life, with a genuine smile on my face. I will try to be patient and trust in the Lord’s timetable. This is one of my tests. And I will do my best to bear it well. One Day at a Time!

"Switch your mentality from "I'm broken and helpless" to "I'm growing and healing" and watch how fast your life changes, for the better."