The Unmuddled Mathematician

Close Eyes On It

By Chris Coray, The Unmuddled Mathematician

The following is a transcript of an interview with a prominent cable TV anchor.  For simplicity’s sake the anchor will be denoted by “A” and the interviewer will be identified as “TO”, for thoughtful observer.  While the interview was scheduled ahead of time, we enter the interview as the anchor is broadcasting live to an audience of millions. 

A:  We have important breaking news to bring to you.  We have learned that on day 49 of the search for Malaysian Airlines flight 370 we have not found any trace of the missing plane.  This is important breaking news and we are keeping a close eye on the situation for developments.

TO:  So you are announcing, as you have for the last 49 days, that for the 49^th consecutive day nothing has been found or learned?

A: That’s correct, but we are keeping a close eye on the situation for you.

TO:  May I ask why that announcement is “Important Breaking News”?

A:  What?  Well, everything we say is “Important Breaking News”.  All of it is vitally important.  This is in fact the 12^th time today that we have made this vitally important announcement and you would probably die without it.  It also makes a great visual on your TV screen.

TO:  What do you mean when you say you are keeping “A close eye on the situation”?

A:  Our news operation keeps a close eye on lots of situations, for example, storms, political polls, unusual events, the Easter Bunny, what celebrities are wearing, and countless others.

TO:  Do you mean that you have countless eyes?  Like the NSA? 

A:  I don’t know, but we are watching closely with all of them.  And we don’t like hand gestures from those we are watching.

TO:  With all your closely watching eyes that you use to help us, has any one of those eyes ever made the slightest change in any of the events being watched?

A:  No, but we are closely watching and I’m becoming a little suspicious about you, so from now on you can expect that we will be keeping a close eye on you. 

TO:  Can I actually see the eye you are using to watch me?  Is it a blue eye?  I would like a blue eye.

A:  I don’t know, that’s for our tech guys to figure out.  Just be sure that we are now watching you and in fact have not yet detected any trace of Malaysian Flight 370 on your body. 

TO:  Do you have more eyes than the average fly?

A:  Well, I’m not sure.  Hey, are you making fun of me?  Is my makeup OK?

TO:  What does the eye you have “Closely watching me” tell you about the answer to my fly question?

A:  Actually, that information is contained in a written report but since we have so many eyes watching I have lost my ability to read.  So I now work in a “Visual Optic Only” zone, hence I can’t answer your question.  

TO:  What are the qualifications needed for your job?

A:  The ability to say the phrase “We are keeping a close eye on the situation” at least 500 times in a hour.  I just barely passed the test.  Can I tell you a secret?

TO:  Sure.

A:  You see that big box with the glass thing in it and the red light lit up on the top?

TO:  Yes.

A:  I think that is an eye that is closely watching me.   Its name is HAL.