The Unmuddled Mathematician

Some Changes are Hard to Bear

By Chris S. Coray, The Unmuddled Mathematician

Well, it may be that the end of the world is near.  All of my life, as change and technology and new things have swept one after another through our civilization there has been a cornerstone of stability.  Levis.  I was raised with Levis and still wear them.  Sure, as a youth I would turn up the cuffs at the bottom as a fashion statement but the Levis themselves were unchanged.  The fashion statement upturned cuffs were actually pretty dumb as they provided really nothing more than a place for dirt, grime, weeds, and critters to occupy.

But now Levis has announced a major change in the most fundamental of apparel.  They are enlarging the pockets in order to accommodate the IPhone 6+.   Is nothing sacred?  When I told my dear friend, The Muddled Male, about this impending change his response was a loud, “Yesssssssss!”.  He is always at the front of the ever advancing phone technology or he is a depressed wannabe until his wife allows him to move to the front of the technological frontier.  But some things should not be done.  Even in the era of slide rules (if you have any notion of what one is) we might in earlier days attach them to our Levis or belts but we did not modify the fundamental apparel.  Those days are apparently over.

I suppose one course of action would be to just turn away from new gadgets and abide in geezerhood for the remainder of my days.  But no, I have chosen the better path, that of adaptation, primarily so I can remain in contact with my granddaughters. 

So, in the spirit of keeping up I seek to fill a clear need brought about by the bigger 6+ and the larger Levis pockets.  It is apparently the case that the new phones are so thin that with their new size a problem has arisen with potential bending of the expensive device caused by sitting on it when encased in a pocket.  Horrors!  Humans apparently do not have flat fannies (tell that to an old geezer, and note that I did not write fat fannies) and human curvature can produce a sort of wrap around IPhone.  So today I begin to offer a brand new must have accessory for 6+ owners.  It does come with the warning “Some Assembly Required”.    Accompanying this article are two photos.  The first is of the necessary parts prior to assembly.   There are 4 clamps, 2 wood braces, and a 10lb weight.   That is photo 1.  In photo 2 the device is assembled, with a simulated IPhone 6+ safely secured inside the clamped wood braces. 

Photo 1



Photo 2

With your new gadget securely placed in this device there is no chance of bending, mutilating, or spindling.  There may be an issue with answering a phone call in adequate or reasonable time or getting through airport security but what the heck.  The phone will be straight and happy.  It is up to you how to get the assembled unit into your pocket but that is now Levis’ problem.  You may also be wondering about the 10b weight.  Well, science has prevailed.  In order to avoid permanent damage to lumbar vertebrae 5 by

 

carrying the protected phone on one side of your body the weight is provided to carry on the opposite side pocket to provide balance and preserve your spine.

Pre-orders are now being accepted.  More than 4 million such orders exist for the 6+.  I am not yet spending my certain-to-arrive new found wealth.

This is guaranteed not to interfere with ear trumpets.