The Muddled Male

Cookie Monster

by Bob Stevens, The Muddled Male

         I admit up front that I am looking for sympathy.  More than sympathy, I am seeking a courageous but kindly soul willing to go behind the back of Ann, my wife, and sneak me a goody.  In case you wondered, I am a man of simple tastes.  Give me a hamburger with fries and a vanilla shake followed by a good chocolate chip cookie and I am a happy man.  The problem is that I ended up with my mother’s genes who ended up with her mother’s genes which seem to generate diabetes in successive generations.  The problem began when Ann, who loves to read, began devouring magazines with a theme centered on what’s good and what’s bad for diabetic husbands who are also miscreants, aka scoundrels.  I know what you are thinking, but I’m not normally devious, it is just that I have this uncontrollable need for sugars and fats.  Ann, on the other hand, has this uncontrollable urge to keep me alive, thus her decision to stop being my wife and start being my mother.  Have you ever had your knuckles cracked with the edge of a stainless steel spatula just because you were reaching into a cookie jar?

            The real problem began, however, after Ann read about the Water Boarding techniques allegedly used by the CIA to break the will of hardened terrorists.  Ann hates to get water on the floor, however, so she came up with a variation she calls Cookie Aroma Boarding.  First she reminds me that I am forbidden to eat a chocolate chip cookie under any circumstance.  Then she mixes up a large batch of chocolate chip cookie batter using the delectable recipe given to her by her friend Shirlene.  The recipe contains all the ingredients necessary to meet my uncontrollable need for sweets and fats including two kinds of sugar, lots of butter, a few eggs, and a bag or two of chocolate chips.  Then she begins to cook them while holding me at bay with the edge of a spatula.  As the aroma fills the room she stacks the soft, hot cookies on a bread board while swinging the spatula wildly to keep me on the other side of the room.  Once all the batter has been turned into cookies she stacks some on a paper plate to tempt me before she gives them away, and counts each one to make certain that I don’t steal any during the delivery.  Then she puts the rest into the freezer which I am forbidden to open.

            I can confirm that Cookie Aroma Boarding is every bit as effective as Water Boarding because I am truly a hardened cookie eater and my will is broken.  Don’t tell Ann, but even though my will is broken my need for sugar and fat isn’t, so any sugary, fatty treat you can slip into my hand without Ann becoming aware will be appreciated.  And for my friend Scott, goose jerky is not considered a sugary, fatty treat.  Come to think of it, it isn’t a treat of any kind.