By John Brown, The Man
I’ve solved the banana bane.
The banana bane is this. You buy bananas, and the next day they’ve got freckles. Nobody likes freckled bananas, so everyone leaves them on the counter, thinking that someone else in the family must be a freckled banana fan. But nobody is a freckled banana fan, which means a few days after that, they’re brown. Then black. Then you toss them into the garbage and go to the store and start it all over.
I’m going to tell you how to stop the madness. I’m going to tell you what you do with brown bananas. The Brown family discovered this last week. (Yes, the Brown family discovered the solution to brown bananas, strange, isn’t it…)
I know some of you are thinking, oh, banana bread.
Are you kidding? Banana bread is cake in bread form. It’s nice once in a while. But who wants to make four loaves of cake every week and gain five million pounds?
I’m not talking about a sumo weight-gain program that involves cake.
And I’m not talking about taking them over to Joan and Cardon Willis’s place and feeding them to their pigs. They have a very nice sow who, Joan reports, loves bananas. The sow’s little piglets do whatever she does. She scratches her bum on a post; they scratch their bums. She grunts; they grunt. So I assume since mumma loves bananas, the little piggies love bananas too. But I’m not talking about turning your bananas into someone else’s bacon.
No.
I’m talking about extending their useful life by days.
I’m talking about consuming them yourself.
I’m talking about making something delicious, sweet, and healthy with them.
What is this magnificent discovery?
Smoothies.
With brown bananas.
What?
Yes. Look, we were out of fruit. We had milk, freckled bananas sliding towards completely toasty tan, and a little bit of chocolate powder. We were desperate.
Desperate people try desperate things. Some do not work out. Like the one time I tried asparagus in eggs. Think green sticks for breakfast. But sometimes they do.
Case in point: John’s Chocolate Banana Whip.
1 brown or freckled banana
1 cup of milk (use almond milk if you don’t like the cow variety)
1 tablespoon Nesquick (no, you don’t need the 3 tablespoons they recommend)
Throw it all in the blender and frappe until smooth.
It’s heaven. Especially good after a nice hike-jog in the middle of the day.
BTW, frappe is one of those words that makes you think I know what I’m talking about. Can you feel my chef aura radiating off the page?
But Nesquick, John. That’s so white-trash unhealthy.
Fine, you don’t want the added sugar? No problem. Try this one.
Ellianna’s Strawberry Surprise
1 brown or freckled banana
1 cup of milk
1 cup frozen strawberries
Frappe until you’re happy.
You can do this with frozen blueberries. You can add Greek yogurt–and let me tell you the Great Value plain Greek yogurt made with whole milk is delicious. You can add more fruit. Less fruit. Add ice. Whatever you like.
The bottom line is that brown bananas are delicious in smoothies. And they should be—bananas are at their sweetest when they’re brown.
It’s summer. It’s hot. Time for smoothies with sweet brown bananas.
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