The Muddled Male
Ann’s
New Computer
Ann, my wife, decided that she wanted a computer of her own. Those of you who only know us in passing are
probably thinking, "What's the big
deal, Bob? Lots of wives have
computers. Aren't you making a Mount
Everest out of a teensy weensy mole hill?" But those of you who really
know us know that this is a BIG DEAL in our family. To misquote Neal Armstrong "This may be one small step for Ann,
but it is one giant leap for the Muddled Male." In fact, I am having to work exceptionally hard
just to appear nonchalant while inside I am churning with uncontrollable glee
over the opportunities I see rolling down the path before me.
Ann, you see, has always pooh-poohed the importance of
technical gadgets as a means of making one's life complete. I, on the other hand, have been known to
sleep with my iPhone in my hand, my iPad under my pillow, my desktop cooing in
the corner, and my laptop on and humming under the bed just in case I get an
important call, text, or email in the middle of the night; or have an
uncontrollable urge to surf, create, or type out some brilliant prose that came
to me suddenly because I woke myself up snoring. Re-reading this it suddenly strikes me that
this may be the reason Ann has been sleeping on the couch instead of with me.
But if Ann is going “techy” there
may be hope for me when the iPhone 5s or 6 comes out later this year. Ordinarily I have to sneak down to the
AT&T store to get a new phone under the cover of darkness and then try to
disguise it to make Ann think that it is the same old phone I already had. Ann’s desire to get a new computer, however, means
that I can now just walk in boldly with the sun shining brightly on my bald
spot and plunk down the $200 in pennies, nickels, and dimes that I have been
squirreling away in my change jar for the glorious day that Apple will give me
the privilege of standing in line all night just to place my name on the
coveted “list for future orders” they keep on hand for Apple addicts. In the meantime I am preparing myself to
answer Ann’s always piercing question, “Why
do you need a new phone? What will the
new one do that the old one won’t do just as well?”
Well this time I am prepared. I will simply say that I need this new phone
to retake my one-upmanship position back from Tom and Peni who each already
have an iPhone 5 while I am left to fumble around with an antiquated iPhone
4s. And besides, Ann, my wife, now has a
laptop with a Windows 8 operating system with lots of bells and whistles while
I am left to creep along with a 5-year old computer and Windows 7. Life just isn’t fair. Unless, that is, I can parlay Ann’s new
computer into a brand new computer for me so that I don’t get too far behind as
a result of being stuck using old technology.
I’m afraid, however,
that I just may be stuck with what I have.
Ann peeked over my shoulder as I was typing this and instead of offering
sympathy, she callously said that I should just “man up” and stop whining.
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